Here's a VERY SMALL sampling of the questions I get asked frequently. Looking back on it all, I would probably design the whole prayer thing differently. Anytime anybody wants something, all they have to do is think "Dear God, oh please let me have the fuzzy one with the curvy thing" and, BOOM, they've shot off a prayer to me. "Hey God, please help me find my car keys so I won't be late". "God, why did you make the elephants have such funny noses". I'm constantly barraged by questions and pleas. Now if you had to sit down and write me a letter, put a stamp on it, and stick it in the mailbox, a lot of folks might decide it's too much work to send out a prayer unless it was truly important. However, since all you have to do is *think* it, you can just imagine the amount of questions I get asked. So like I was saying, this is truly just a fraction of a fraction of a small percentage of the questions that come to me. Check back often and I'll try to add new questions.



Which web browser do you prefer?

Actually, I find Internet Explorer and Netscape to be very similar, but I feel obligated to use Netscape due to some bartering that took place between Bill Gates and my immortal friend many years ago.


Which operating system do you use?

There's really no comparison here. It's true that at one time business applications were all that ran well on a PC, but that time has passed. I don't normally advocate violence, but please, for me, shoot your Mac.


What's your sign?

OK, I'm the first to admit that a lot of what's printed in the Bible is complete hogwash, but they *did* get some stuff right. For one, I have always been and will always be (at least, I *hope* they got this part right). Therefore, since I don't have a birthday, I can't have a sign. If I were to choose one, though, I think it'd be Gemini. I always liked that one. Now take Scorpio. Have you ever met a Scorpio that was worth a damn? There are some (no, really), but they're pretty scarce!


Why did you ask Abraham to kill his son?

Whoa! Shift gears. No more easy ones, eh? First off, I never asked him to *kill* anything. I think I mentioned earlier that I'm not really much for violence. I did ask him to make a sacrifice for me, but it was to be of *his* choosing. I was thinking that it would be more along the lines of skipping dinner. Or maybe forsaking a night of lovemaking (and if you knew Abraham, you'd understand that this would have been a fairly significant sacrifice for him). I was as shocked as anyone when I saw what he intended to do to his kid. I immediately intervened and, between you and me, I gave him a bit of a talking to. I was more than a little pissed that he was going to use *me* as an excuse for killing his son. It's true that he was a miserable child and did, in fact, grow up to be a miserable man. But c'mon, if we killed everybody that wasn't turning out right, then where would we be? I just don't think it would make for good policy.


What are your favorite goofy words from the Bible?

They'd have to be "verily" and "begat". Who do you know that says "verily". Even flaming drag queens can find a more manly word than "verily" to express themselves. And "begat". What's up with that? I mean, a lot of folks aren't even sure who their fathers are. It's amazing to me that this book devotes *pages* to tracing geneology all the way back to Adam and Eve (and incidentally, I never made *anybody* from the rib of someone else. I get queasy every time I hear that story).


Why did you make flaming drag queens (Or "do humans have free will or is everything predestined")?

There are a lot of folks running around preaching predestination to a lot of people who are relieved to hear it. And why not? Would you rather say that "yes, it was my will to boff my secretary on the same desk that has pictures of my loving wife and children on it" or "God made me do it. Somehow it all fits into His grand scheme?" See, predestination looks pretty good. Sorry to burst the bubble, but it just isn't the case. Do you know what kind of planning it would take just to make sure that Wendy bumped into Bob at 11:30 on the sixth of April, 1998, in front of the Sacramento Walmart? It would be a logistical nightmare. I set the wheels turning, but what you do from there is your call. So in other words, as much as I love 'em, I didn't do drag queens, they just sort of happened.


How do you feel you've been treated by Hollywood?

Well, I'm usually portrayed as some sort of vengeful, conceited SOB, but that's not really Hollywood's fault. They're only taking their cues from the Bible. My primary beef is with the actors they choose to portray me. I've never once been played by somebody COOL. Jesus gets played by Willem Dafoe and Max Von Sydow, satan gets played by Vincent Price and Robert De Niro (ROBERT DE NIRO!), and who do they get to play me? Either someone you've never heard of or George Burns. Burns did a fine job. I'm not saying he didn't. I would just once like to see them cast someone with an edge. My only consolation is that they had John Ritter play satan in Wholly Moses. That had to really burn his butt!


What are your pet peeves?

Oh, don't get me started. When you've been around for as long as I have, you tend to find a fair number of things that get your shackles up. I do have a few that I could share, though.

  1. Television evangalists - Please tell me that you've never sent any money to these guys. I promise that I've never *once* charged any of these people with the task of raising money for the continuation of my work. I've never *once* told any of them that they should lock themselves in a tower until x number of millions have been raised. I would encourage any of you who are ever tempted to reach for your checkbook when these guys are on to plug the name of an AIDS hospice in the 'pay to the order of' spot. Or make it out to the Make a Wish Foundation. Or give it to your local Mission. But please, please, *please*, don't give it to these guys. They can pay for their own hookers.
  2. Cats - This is another example of non-predestination. I didn't make cats. I didn't foresee the existence of cats. I never even imagined anything like a cat. OK, I *did* create the BIG cats. The panther, tiger, and puma are all mine. It's the house cat that I didn't do. I never thought to myself, "wouldn't it be cool to have an animal that could live in your house and periodically, and for no apparent reason, spew wads of hair and phlegm onto your sofa or bed." I never pondered as to how wonderful it would be to have an animal that would never come to you when you wanted it to and that would be all over you when you didn't. "Wouldn't it be cute," I *didn't* say to myself, "if it would catch small animals like birds and mice and not kill them right away. Instead it could just sort of claw and gnaw on the unfortunate creatures until they were too injured to move." I haven't looked back to see just what terrible coupling took place to cause the cat to spring forth, but you can just bet there's some rat in there.
  3. Dumb guy names - I hate it when guys with one syllable names add the 'er' sound on the end of it to sound cool. These guys also seem compelled to put 'The' in front of it. 'Dave' becomes 'The Daver'. 'Wayne' becomes 'The Wayner'. 'Chuck' becomes, well, you get the idea. Also, I've never liked the name 'Chip'. I couldn't tell you why, I just don't like it.
  4. Mike Tyson.
  5. The Hair Club for Men - Just get over it. It's gone and it's not coming back. Not only that, everybody knows that it's gone and not coming back. Spray paint isn't going to fool anybody. Weaving other people's hair into your's isn't going to fool them either. And there's *no way* that combing hair over from your sideburns, eyebrows, or nostrils is going to fool anyone either. Let it go. Please.
  6. Email symbols - Am I alone here, or does it drive anyone else nuts when they come across a :-) or a ;-) or any of the dozens of other jumbles of punctutions marks that symbolize whatever mood the writer happens to be in? I'm thinking that if you aren't a good enough communicator to convey your mood in the content of your message, maybe you should wait until you see the person face to face so that you can be sure that there's no misunderstanding your mood or message.
  7. "Under Construction" signs on web pages - I *hate* that animated little guy with his animated shovel telling all of us that the page is under construction. OF COURSE it's under construction. Everything on the web is in flux. Stuff is constantly being added, deleted, and altered. It's unnecessary to put that shoveling freak on your page, already! My page is also a work in progress, but I'm going to trust my visitors to be able to sort that out for themselves.

    That's probably enough pet peeves for now. I don't want to come across as whiney.


What size shoes do you wear?

Actually, I don't generally wear shoes. To tell you the truth, I seldom wear clothes. These are your inventions, not mine (I hope you didn't think that thong bikinis were something that *I* thought were a good idea!). If you need to have some sort of mental image of me while you're praying and whatnot, think naked. I'm almost always naked. As a matter of fact, to feel more close to me, you should pray naked. Now there's a bumper sticker worth having: PRAY NAKED.


Do you love me just the way I am?

Yes. I love everybody. All the time. No exceptions. It's what I do.


Do you like everybody?

Absolutley not.


What are your turn ons?

I get asked this a lot. I used to feel sort of weird about it, but I'm cool with it now. People just want to know that they aren't freaks for liking that tingling feeling they get when they sit on the washing machine during the spin cycle. Relax. I like it, too.


Are the Jews your chosen people?

No. My chosen people are the circus midgets. And accountants. My chosen people are the circus midgets and accountants. And fat girls. I love fat girls. I think it's safe to say that my chosen people are the circus midgets, accountants, and fat girls. And bald guys. My chosen people are the circus midgets, accountants, fat girls, and bald guys. And the French. I love the way the French talk. My chosen people would then be the circus midgets, accountants, fat girls, bald guys, and the French. And girls named Penelope. My chosen people would have to be....


Is it true that I will go blind if I masturbate?

Yes. Absolutely. Just kidding. You will not go blind from masturbating. You will not grow hair on your palms. You will not got to hell. It won't make you stupid, stunt your growth, grow warts on your hands, ruin the economy, change the tide tables, melt the polar ice caps, or revive Burt Reynold's career. They're your genitals and the fate of nations does not rest on whether or not you choose to manually stimulate them. Have at. It's hard to imagine a more victimless crime. That said, however, exercise a little discretion. While masturbation is perfectly natural and wholesome, others should be able to walk the streets or frequent movie theaters (PeeWee!) without having to watch you.


What about homosexuals?

What about botonists? What about Elks Lodge members? The Fundamentalists have been blowing a lot of smoke up the collective butts of humanity. I've got no qualms with homosexuality. A persons sexual orientation is probably the least interesting thing about them. Sex is good. Hell, it's great! That, incidentally, was no accident on my part. As long as it's consentual, enjoy! It was designed to be a loving act between two people. Period. Puh-leeeeze stop trying to find so many ways to ruin it by categorizing and judging it.


If Buddha and Jesus were in a WWF wrestling match, who would win?

Actually, this is kind of a trick question. If we're talking about the Laughing Buddha here, he'd be the hands down winner. Jesus was quick, but c'mon, LB must've had about 300 pounds on him. What's Jesus supposed to do with that? If, however, we're talking about the prophet Buddha, then it's a different story. He was just a little guy. A real sweetheart. You remember what Jesus did to the tax collectors in the temple? He would've whomped the Buddha.


What's your favorite sport?

Gut barging. I looooove gut barging. Two big fat guys get in a ring and try to knock each other outside of the ring using nothing but their stomachs. If you want to know the truth, it's how I cast Lucifer out of Heaven. Ok, I made that part up. But if I ever did have to boot anyone out of heaven, my preferred method would be gut barging.


What about Rush Limbaugh?

Now Limbaugh gets a lot of bad press for promoting homophobia, sexism, and racism through the use of half truths and lies. I'm in a better position than most (better position than anyone, actually) to know how tirelessly he roots out information from his special research facilities. As a matter of fact, here's a picture of him doing just that.




BACK TO GOD!