My name is god, just god. My first name is not 'oh' or 'my' or 'please' or 'theodore'. I have no first *or* last name. You know, like Cher or Flea. Actually the one-name thing is rare and cool enough that there's been talk of us all getting together for an annual picnic or something. You may have noticed that I'm not capitalizing it. I'm kind of making a statement by doing that. You see, there was a book published some time ago that contained chapters written by different authors over a long period of time. I was frequently mentioned in this book and somebody decided that not only should my name be capitalized (and why not, everyone else capitalizes their's) but every pronoun ever used to refer to me should also be capitalized. Can you say "pretentious"? 'He' instead of 'he'. 'My' instead of 'my'. You get the idea. This is the kind of stuff that puts distance between us. Anyway, this was just one of many problems that I had with the book, but at no point was my input ever sought. I'm only mentioned in every chapter of the book! You'd think they'd want to know how I felt about it. But I'm not bitter. Really. I decided that in light of the over-capitalization of my name that I'd just be 'god'. It's actually very liberating. I live in Heaven, but it's probably not like you've imagined. There aren't flocks of winged angels wearing long flowing robes and playing harps. I don't live in a grand, bejeweled castle of gold, and nobody's going to meet you at the gate with a clipboard and a frown. Heaven doesn't even *have* a gate. It's not held aloft on a foundation of big fluffy clouds and there aren't any Jetson-type machines that can instantly produce the piping hot meal of your choice with the simple push of a button. C'mon kids, you didn't *really* believe all that stuff did you? If so, there's a place elsewhere on the page for you to input your credit card number (don't forget the expiration date) and I'll use it to confirm your reservation. I just put the "palace in the clouds" graphic on the main page to get your attention! For those of you who believe in an afterlife more closely tailored to your own personal interests, you can just bet I don't have a corral of sheep and bunny rabbits set aside for you alt.sex.bestiality subscribers. Lord knows I don't like to be judgemental, but that's just *gross*! Now that I've told you what Heaven isn't, I have to confess that I can't disclose what it is. It would ruin the surprise. I *can* tell you that there's a hell, but you don't have to go there. Since there's a hell, you probably figured that there's also a devil and you'd be right. He goes by "satan" (he also dropped the capitalization just to irritate me) and yes, he'd also qualify to go to the one-name picnic. I know that we're usually depicted as being mortal enemies, but he's actually not that bad of a guy. Since we've pretty much got a corner on the immortality market, we've struck up a bit of a friendship. OK, that's not a very comprehensive bio, but you've got to understand that I've been around for quite a while (forever, actually) so I've had to keep it pretty basic.
BACK TO GOD!